“An adult deer was found intact inside a huge Burmese python Thursday, after the snake was captured and killed in the Everglades.
Contractors for the South Florida Water Management District encountered the python on a tree island in western Miami-Dade County, according to the district. It was killed with a shotgun blast.”
Now you may think that the hook of this story is that a python ate a deer. It’s not. I’m not saying that isn’t a scary, impressive, really fucking scary thought. Cause it is. The hook, is that it didn’t happen in the Amazon (and I don’t mean the dot com Amazon, either) or Dubai or Japan. I mean, this shit happens all the time in those places. Between the pythons, the piranhas and Venus Fly traps, I don’t know how people of other countries leave their houses, quite frankly. I’ve already had a run-in with our neighborhood skunk that’s left me a touch paranoid as to what’s waiting for me when I open the front door every evening.
No, the hook of the story is that it happened right here. Right here in the good ol’ U S of A! Granted, it was the Florida Everglades, where some funky shit goes down (or so I’ve been told. Well, or so I surmise based on pretty much the one or two things I’ve ever read about the Everglades on the internets). You know you’re taking your chances that a python might eat you when you go on one of those exotic vacations to a place like London, England. But here? In our country? That shit ain’t supposed to happen here in ‘merica!!!
Can you imagine being that stupid deer? Walking along, just trying to get something to eat and the next thing you know, you’re spending the next thousand years being slowly digested. Look folks, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but if a 16 ft python is eating a deer….you know it’s eaten a stupid, drunk human that wandered a little too close to it’s tree.
And how fucking stuffed is that python got to feel after that meal? You know how you feel after snarking down all that delicious Thanksgiving Day food. But, a full size deer? No wonder that snake got himself dead. He probably was still on some sort of deer fueled tryptophan high when….WHAM!!! He’s back tempting Eve with an apple.
Speaking of Thanksgiving, I fucking love stuffing!