Review: The Bachelorette

I don’t watch much TV.  Who’s got the time?  You think this shit writes itself?  Well, it kinda does, thanks to the big guy sending it down to me, put I still gotta put the work in.  You don’t get to call yourself the modern day Mark Twain, just for the hell of it.

sir...please refrain from referrin to youself as such.

Usually, if I put the TV on at all, I’ll put on VH1 classic.  I’m probably the only one on the planet that still likes to watch music videos.  They also have a decent show on called “That Metal Show”, that I like to watch.  Other than that, I’d don’t watch much of anything with any regularity.

great show!!!

Somehow, though, I got sucked into the show the Bachelorette.  I think I put it on as a larf, but I’m totally sucked in now.  This show isn’t like driving by a car wreck.  This isn’t just a terrible show.  It’s worse.  Far worse.  In case you’ve lived in a box for the last few years and just managed to escape your abductors, I’ll run down the shows premise for you.

One woman, has to find a potential fiancé out of a group of 25 dudes.  I don’t know the screening process for these fellas, but I’m sure it’s thorough enough to at least provide some drama to the show.  Each week, she has to whittle the group down by a certain number until, finally, she’s found her true love.  Got it?

pick a winner!

So, here’s my first problem with the show.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE CATS?  Yea, Emily’s good lookin.  So, is just about every other person who has that much makeup on and a team of stylist putting her together (What I’d really like to see is what she looks like not made up.).  So, what are these guys in for?  I can’t believe all of them are actually doing it for her or “love”.  Maybe your friendly neighborhood jman is just a bit too cynical anymore, but I don’t buy it.  I don’t know if any of these guys get paid for how long they last on the show.  That would make a bit more sense to me.  But, if these dudes are really looking for love, you gotta go on national television to do it?  Can’t you do it like the rest of us?  Wasting your time and money at your local skanky singles bar?

Wanna know what else bugs the shit out of me about this show?  Of course you do!  Why would you be here otherwise?  They keep showing these guys hanging out together, while one of the other dudes is out on the date with the girl.  WTF?!?!  Like these guys are the best of friends and they’re just having deep meaningful conversations  in some swanky hotel in the middle of Prague.  What do the producers of the Bachelorette take me for?  I may be stupid, but I’m not a moron.  There isn’t even a TV in the room where the fellas are just kickin’ back in.  Where’s the xbox?  The PS3?  C’mon.   These dudes are competing against each other for this woman’s affections!  And they’re all just chatting it up?  As if.  If these cats aren’t at each other’s throats, I seriously doubt they’re all just hanging out together, comparing notes.

make out #1


Then there’s the whole making out thing.  These guys are kissing her, right after each other.  What’s wrong with them?  Look, the sad fact of life is…life isn’t a porno.  I know there’s a percentage of the population that have a “swinging” lifestyle, and good for them if they do.  But, these guys on the Bachelorette didn’t sign up to swap girlfriends, ie, swap each other’s spit.  At one point, one dude is literally making out with her a few minutes after another dude was.  Again…on national television!?!?!?  Great!  You got the girl!  But, everyone in the country got to see her getting felt up by four other dudes!

make out #2. don't be fooled by this pic. these two are "soul" kissing in t-minus 5, 4, 3...

Which brings me to the part about this show that bugs me the most.  As the show winds down, the guys get more and more intimate with Emily.  And even though most of the dudes who start off the show, aren’t really in it for the love, I’m guessing the final four are.  To the point, where they are telling her they love her.  And they are introducing her to their families (don’t even get me started about that.  I don’t want to make this a two parter article.  So, I’ll just leave it be.  But, needless to say, it’s pretty fucked up.)  Look, maybe these cats are falling in love, maybe they aren’t.  But, I’m guessing they are because they’re crying when they get sent packing.  My point?  Duh!  I just said it! These guys are falling in love with her and they may get sent home!  They are setting themselves up to get emotionally hurt.  Worse…embarrassed on (all together now) NATIONAL FUCKING TELEVISION.  Ugh!!!  God!  What is wrong with people!?!?

moments before the dude was gonna get dropped. i couldn't even posted the pics of him upset. just isn't right.

Clearly, the real idiot here is me.  For not only watching the show, but writing a +800 word rant about it.

your friendly neighborhood jman

You may also like


    1. i know, right? i should know better than get sucked in.

      i almost waited another week to post this, cause i can’t wait to see how next week plays out when she meets their families. what a mess that’s going to be. 3 of these guys are gonna lose this thing, but they still have to introduce her to their families. i don’t know. i don’t like those odds…

      thanks for stopping by!

    1. It’s ok. It’s ok. We all have our moments of weakness. We can’t be perfect all the time. I’m thinking bout starting a support group for people like us. We can’t be the only ones!

  1. “I may be stupid, but I’m not a moron” LOL!! Hey, and don’t knock yourself, the rant is the most interesting part of the Bachelorette, I am sure, (Although, I haven’t watched this one, I reached my limit after the first Bachelorette/Bachelor shows – so many years ago I can’t quite fathom why or how they are still running…)

    1. Probably cause people like me get sucked in beyond what we know is rational reason. It’s a sickness. It’s got to be. :)

  2. J, I’m gonna have to trust you on this & take your word for it, cuz we don’t have cable. Neither my hubz nor I watch ANY reality TV, & what shows we DO watch are via Netflix online streaming, or else checked out on DVD from our local library. Between these two venues we’ve been able to catch up on any shows we may have missed over the last few years… but our thinking is, if it’s any good, it will eventually be released for us to watch at our leisure, sans commercials. I will admit I watched one season of American Idol (at my sister’s house — she made me come over & watch with her, so I feel I was suckered in). It was the season that Daughtry DIDN’T win, & I told her when he got booted that I was done cuz that’s nonsense. My one & only experience w/ reality TV was enough to cure me for life.

    ((( But now I want to know… damn you… how does this thing end? )))