VACATION WEEK! Epilogue 2. PT 2

In case you missed it, you can pick up part one here.  But, I KNOW you didn’t miss it!

…and THAT was my mistake.  Well, yet another one of my mistakes, that is.  I shouldn’t have laid the phone down.  There must’ve been some water in it somewhere (well, duh).  And laying it down, just caused it to settle.  I knew I shouldn’t have put it down.  Stupid!  FYI.  Trust your instincts, folks. They’ll never lead you wrong.  You heard it hear, first.  Stupid water.  What it giveth, it can take awayeth.

stupid, life giving water! so stupid, doesn't even know when it turns into a solid, it should sink instead of float!

But, I’m getting a little ahead of myself here.

When the commotion of the storm had settled, I went back to check on the phone.  I pressed the home button and…

actual screen grab of the phone. unfortunately it didn't grab the water streaks.

I watched in horror as the screen began to streak.  Water streaks.  Buttons would work.  And then not work.  The camera’s LED wouldn’t turn off.  WTF?!?!?  I immediately powered down the phone.  The LED still wouldn’t turn off.  I started the phone back up and went into the camera settings to manually shut down the LED.  That turned it off.  I then powered the phone back down and searched our rental home for rice.

as i was reminded...uncooked rice works better than cooked rice.

You do know about the whole rice thing, right?!?!?  It goes a lil something like thus:  if your phone gets wet, you’re “supposed” to put it into a sealed container of rice.  The rice sucking the moisture out of the phone like mosquitoes sucking blood out of your moist, supple skin (normally, I’d say something like “poetry in motion” and call myself out as the new Mark Twain, but maybe that last sentence was more disturbing, than poetic).  But, there’s more flaws in that theory than holes in a sieve.  The holes are probably more in the application than the science itself, but I’m not here to argue theory.

also applies to that climate change theory, too

In any case, we didn’t bring any rice with us.  Of course!  We brought every other staple, but rice.  Meanwhile, I can feel the precious seconds ticking by. The water corroding the innards of my phone.  ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!

That’s my secret, Cap. I’m always angry.

So, back out in the rain I went, to hunt down rice.  I ended up going to 2 different  stores. Because, you know, it wouldn’t be much of a tale if there wasn’t some suspense in there, right?  I mean, God forbid something go easy for your friendly neighborhood jman.


With rice now in hand, I rushed back to the house, destroyed the kitchen looking for a container, dumped the rice and phone in a Ziploc baggie, and..






according to this cat, it IS the hardest part...

Not long, though.  Like two minutes, I waited.  I mean, that’s long enough, right?  All the moisture should’ve been sucked out of the phone by then.  What can I say?  That stupid phone was my only link to the outside world!?!?!  It had to work. So, I powered the fucker back up.

It was working, still.  Wonkily, though.  The water streaks had spread.  The LED turned back on.  Basically nothing had changed.  And back in the rice it went.

For about 2 more minutes.  What can I say?  I was desperate.  IT’S MY PHONE!!!!

Still nothing, though.  No improvement.

And back into the rice it went.  Again.


Mistake #452.  I plugged the phone into an outlet.  Yep!  “Apparently” you’re not supposed to do that.  Now, look.  In my defense…I was DESPERATE!!!  Have I mention that yet?  Have I mentioned at all how this phone was my link to the real world?  No?  Well, it was.  Not only that, but I had some great stuff on it.  Content, baby!  Content!  I had stuff I wanted to use for the blog.  That’s one of the reasons I kept checking on the phone.  To make sure all the pictures and video I took weren’t lost to history.

one of the last pics taken from the forsaken iPhone. god? is that you? should i walk to the light? no? keep walking til i hit fire? wait...what?

So, yea, I plugged it into the wall (like you wouldn’t), and nothing happened.  At least nothing different happened.  The phone still functioning wonkily.  And if I can be completely honest here, I don’t think plugging it into the outlet really did anything to it anyway.  I don’t think it made the situation any worse.

But, I’m not a professional, either.


There reaches a point, in any situation, where you just gotta leave shit alone and let the pieces fall where they may.  I believe the psychotherapist call that “acceptance”.  Well, somewhere through the night, I reached that point.  I just said fuck it and left the phone in the rice.

Ughhh…yea. something like that.

Don’t be fooled by my sudden mysticism.  The only reason I reached this point of acceptance was that it was now Saturday, and we were heading home.  I still had my old Droid phone, back at my house, that was gonna get called up to the majors again in a few short hours.  Plus, I’d be back within the warm glow of constant internet access.  So, I knew everything was gonna be alright.

are you sure, bob? every LITTLE thing's gonna be alright?!?!?


Over the next couple of days, I checked on the phone periodically.  The good news?  The water streaks on the screen had cleared up.  And all the content was still on there!  The bad news?  No cell service, no connection to the wifi.  Something was wrong with the antenna/modem/gremlins that connect the phone to the outside world.  And the only way the phone would boot up at all was if it was plugged into the wall.  If it was plugged into a USB port?  It wouldn’t boot all the way up.  Which left me in a bit of a pickle how I was gonna get all my stuff off of there.  But, I didn’t fret too much.  ‘Cause Bob just said every little thing’s gonna be alright.  Duh?!?!  Which was good enough for me.  As long as the content was still available, there had to be a way to get it off the phone.

And back into the rice it went.


taking the phone to the doctor...

After about the 5th day of this, I realized it was time to take it up a level.  Not because I have some sorta of affinity for the iPhone and I absolutely needed it to function in my day to day existence, but because I wanted to start VACATION WEEK! already.  So, I made an appointment with the Genius Bar over at my local Apple store.

It didn’t go well.

flippin place was packed like they were giving iPhones away!

Long story short (because if I don’t wrap this shit up soon, we’re staring down the barrel of PT 3 to this article), because of the water damage to the phone, there wasn’t a way to get the content off it (oh…and if there is, and you know about it.  Please…PLEASE…keep it to yourself.  I don’t need to hear about it).  So, for another 2 bills, your friendly neighborhood jman got hisself another iPhone.

But, I had to hand the old phone over first.  And before I did that, I reformatted the phone.  Yep.  I mercy killed my iPhone.  All the pictures.  All the video.  All of it.  Gone.  At my own hand.

A moment of silence, please.

sad hulk...sad. sad hulk miss iPhone.


I know.  I know.  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking:  “Wait, you moron!  What about iCloud?  All your content is supposed to back up to iCloud!”  Look.  If that’s what you’re thinking…you are absolutely right.  It is.

stupid iCloud and it's stupid rules.

IF THE PHONE CAN CONNECT TO WIFI!!!!  The place we stayed at on vacation didn’t have wifi!  Ergo…NO iCLOUD BACKUP!!!!


Fortunately, though, I did take a few pics with Instagram.  Those are still out in the ether.  And with those pics is what the rest of VACATION WEEK! will be built on.

I swear to all that’s holy, though, if a one of you says to me I saw you post that pic on Instagram already, I’m voting you off the fucking island, alliance or not!

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    1. seriously! lesson learned! not only that, but i’m looking into getting a hotspot. i will not being without my internet again!

      we didn’t stay at a hotel. we rented a house for the week. so…no wifi. :(