Planet of the Jakes: Do You Have a Lisp?

When I tell you that Jakob is from another planet, I’m really not fooling.  Whatever drum this kid marches to, it’s definitely off worldly.  Take, for instance, the other day (as all these tales tend to start)…actually, it’s been the last few days.  Jakob’s been walking around the house, exaggerating his “S’s”.  Why?  I have no idea.  He’ll walk up to you and ask, completely straight faced, “Do you have a listhp?”

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It’s not like he asks once and he’s done.  Like he’s moved onto whatever bit of randomness has entered his stream of consciousness.  No.  He asks everyone, multiple times, if they have a listhp.  And no matter how you answer the kid, he’ll ask you again the next time he sees you.  And the next time.  And the next time.  Which may have been funny at first, but after the 117th?  Well…it’s mildly annoying.

uhhhh…thank you very much!

If I consider myself the modern day Mark Twain, then this kid is Andy Kaufman reincarnate.


The crüe and I were breaking our evening bread, when I turned to Jakob and asked, “How was school today?”

“Fine.”  His usual pat answer.

“Isn’t the book fair coming up?”  I asked everyone at the table.

“Yesth.  It isth.” Jakob answered.


“It stharted yesthterday.”

“So…”  I paused looking at the other three for some sort of confirmation.  “When were you gonna let me know?”

He shrugged, stuffing a handful of food into his face.  The kid’s not crazy about forks much, either.

I rolled my eyes, looking over at Jethro.  “How come you didn’t tell me?”

“I dunno.”  He shrugged.

“You both go to the same school.”  I said, incredulously, looking at them on either side of the table.  Brothers, two years apart, are not good sitting next to each other at the dinner table.  Or in the car.  Or in the movie theater.  Or an airplane.  Or…

usually a bit more blood shed with my boys

“The teacher was sthupposed to sthay sthomething on the…”

“Wait!”  I interrupted.

“What?”  Jakob replied, innocently enough.

“Are you…” I cocked my head to the left, giving Jakob a sideways glance.  “Are you…lisping?”


“Yesth.”  He nodded, matter of factly.

I looked at him for a long moment.  He returned my stare, his face as blank as the day is long.  I glanced around the table, hoping one of his other siblings would shed some light on this bizarre chain of events.  They all just shrugged.

I closed my eyes, trying to make contact with the big guy upstairs.  The only thing I got was laughter pinging around the inside of my skull.  A “roll with it” eventually bubbled up through my consciousness.  I took a deep breath and asked “Ok.  Well, are there any booksth that you want?”



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  1. Geeze, I thought I was horrible; I went through a phase, but only in school where I was “incognito,” and signed papers with only my second name. The teacher had 27 fits over that. I wouldn’t stop and she was too stupid or lazy to go through the process of elimination. There were only 35 of us. After a few weeks of that and a 7-page letter home, which earned one hellacious beating from my mom, Catholic school loomed, whereupon I found new ways to torment Jesuit Priests. It wasn’t easy. Kids are great. I’d love to be a fly on your wall.

    1. Lol!!! Well…at least part of it was lol. He second name thing is funny. Something Jakob would definitely do.

      The rest of it? Doesn’t sound like much fun, though. Can’t imagine Jesuit priests having much of a sense of humor.

  2. You are so much nicer than my mom was when I did a fake lisp. I just wanted to try it out… she totally called me out for faking. My cheeks still burn when I think of it and I couldn’t have been more than 6 or 7!!!!!

    1. well, it’s good to see that he’s not the only one who does it (did it)!

      cause i’m sure i didn’t do it as a kid. :)