My One Hour Playing Bioshock Infinite

Just looks badass
Just looks badass

I recently heard an interview with the creator of Bioshock Infinite, Kevin Levine.  I gotta tell you, the guy really sold me on the game during the interview.  So…I decided to give it a try.  But, rather than plunk down the 60 odd bucks, I rented it first from my nearby Redbox.  I may (or may not, depending who you ask) have smartened up a bit in my old age.  Just a bit.

The biggest reason I decided to try the game, was the setting.  I like historical nonsense (faux or not), so Bioshock seemed like a good game for me.  Just in case you’ve been marooned on an uncharted island the last few weeks, I’ll give you a brief run down on the game.

It’s set at the turn of last century, around 1912.  During the period, those in the know (me not being one of them), call “American Exceptionalism”.  The game (and the time period, too) has a Steampunkish feel.  Now I can’t say I’m one of those people (my apologies to all my steampunkish listeners out there.  I really don’t mean anything by saying “those people”), but the era does hold some fascination for me on some level.

i wouldn't walk around like this, but...still is cool!
i wouldn’t walk around like this, but…still is cool!

Any way, in the game, you’re this cat, and you gotta save the girl, blahblahblah.  Look, before I tell you anymore about the game, I should probably tell a lil something about your friendly neighborhood jman.  Rather, there’s something I gotta admit…




…I’m not a gamer.  That’s right.  At all.  I barely know how to hold a controller.  If I’m being totally Frank, I never really been much of a gamer, either.

I'm not gonna be this Frank, though...
I’m not gonna be this Frank, though…

The thing is, I want to be one in the worst way.  I’ve bought too many gaming systems over the years.  Sega Genesis.  Gameboy.  Gameboy Advance.  Nintendo DS.  Nintendo Gamecube.  Wii.  And recently PS3 (and I bought that one for my kids, but truth be told, I really bought it cause I wanted to try games like Portal 2 and Alice:  Madness Returns).  But, I find the games are too complicated, too fast for my small, small mind to handle.  And wayyyyyyy  too many buttons to push!  ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

Sorry.  I was beginning to feel like I was playing a game there a second ago.

In my defense, though, I did play AND finish Luigi’s Mansion.  Twice!  I’ll take any cred where I can.

bad ass!
bad ass!

But the worst part?  Biohazard Infinite is a first person shooter.  Ugh!!!  God!  I exceptionally suck at those things.  Bad.  But, I was determined.  So, on a recent kid- free weekend, I grabbed a controller (the right way…or so i hoped), and loaded up Biohazard Infinite.  I was determined to play this game.  Not just “play” this game.  But PLAY this game!  I was gonna OWN it…

this way, right?!?!?
this way, right?!?!?

…And I got a far as security shooting at me, right after I threw my ball at the Lottery barker.  Yea.  That’s right.  I barely made it past the opening credits.  Once the shooting starts, I’m done.   I can’t handle it.  And that’s on the easiest setting!  I’m telling you…I can barely navigate my way in the game (as in move around.  You know.  Left/right.  Forward/backwards.  Up/down), let alone shoot stuff.  I lost all my money cause I kept dying.  Where the hell was I getting shot from, anyway?!?!?

Stupid, stupid game!

I’ll tell you what, though, I was doing GREAT before any of the shooting started!

i made it past this point, though...
i made it past this point, though…

So…should you buy the game?  Hell if I know!  Just like everything else on this site, I don’t recommend anything.  You do what you want.  In the meantime, Jethro wants me to play Injustice.  I’m sure that’s gonna go well…


Images courtesy of:




Iron man:

Frank zappa:

Columbia Skyline:

Luigi’s Mansion:


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