Of Allergies and Men

I don’t know if I ever told you guys this or not, but I’ve got an allergy or two.  Or 150.  It blows (as it were).  Not a day goes by that I don’t have…well, let’s not get too graphic here.  Suffice it to say, that it sucks to be me.

There’s this theory about allergies floating around that I totally believe.  It goes a lil something like thus:  If you have allergies, then your ancestors aren’t from this planet.  Yea.  That’s right.  Not from this planet.  It makes sense, if you think about it.  Why would you be allergic to things on the planet if you (your ancestors) aren’t native?  I’m paraphrasing of course.  Either way, it’s pretty sound logic, if you ask me.

c'mon!  you've seen Prometheus haven't you?
c’mon! you’ve seen Prometheus haven’t you?

Besides being allergic to just about everything on this forsaken planet, I’ve also got a pretty serious sesame allergy.  I’m talking EpiPen serious.  Now, for the folkels out there in internetsland who don’t know what an EpiPen is; it’s a needle you jam into your leg when you’re having a serious reaction to something.  It’s filled with epinephrine that makes everything ok.  “They” should make a version for parents that’s filled with Valium or something.  To give to themselves.  Not their kids.  What’s wrong with you?

they come in flavors!
they come in flavors!

I’m the worst person in the world to have this type of allergy.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve shoved shit food into my wordhole only to wonder during the first chew if said food had sesame in it.  Oh…maybe I should’ve checked the label first.

I discovered I had this allergy about 10 years ago during a FANTASTIC trip to Disney World.  I’ve recounted that trip far too many times to repeat it here, needless to say the paramedics at the Magic Kingdom are really quite friendly.

Since that magical time (get it?  Magical?  Disney World?  Magic?  Irony?  No?) I’ve had some moderate to severe reactions.  Yeayeayea.  I’ve used an EpiPen or two in my day.

Over the years, I’ve gotten better about managing my allergy.  I know what foods to avoid.  Chinese food.  “Multi-grain” items.  “Granola”.  But, sometimes it can be a lil sneaky by using a pseudonym and show up in your Humus 1.

But, sometimes, a dude just never learns.  Like, for instance, the other day someone offered me a Kale chip at work.  Kale chip?  Sounds pretty fucking disgusting, amiright?

At first I declined.  But then I was taunted.

you see these you think yum?
you see these you think yum?

“C’mon!”  Lydia said, holding the plastic baggie in front of me.  “Don’t be like everyone else in this place.  Afraid to try one.  Just try it!”

Cause, like marketing, peer pressure works on me, I grabbed a chip out of the bag and popped it into my mouth.  Lydia smiled at me.  “Not bad, right?”

I chewed on the chip.  It wasn’t bad.  If you don’t mind the taste of death.  “Yea.”  I nodded to her.  “Not bad.”

“Want another?”  She offered.

“Nah.  I gotta get out of here.”  I replied and left before I had to taste another one of those death chips.

I was sitting at my desk, shortly thereafter, finishing up a slice a pizza, when I felt it.

The itch.

The swelling.


“What the hell did I eat?”  I thought to myself 2.  It wasn’t the pizza, cause it was leftovers from the night prior.  And I didn’t have any problems with it.  I sat there for a few moments, swelling up, trying to figure out what it could’ve been from.

And, yes folks, that’s just how stupid your friendly neighborhood jman is.  In a 5 minute window, I totally forgot that I ate that stupid chip.  Stupid!

There’s a happy ending to our tale, though.  I didn’t die.  And I didn’t have to use the EpiPen.  I took two Benadryl and spent the next +day in a half awake stupor.  I haven’t yet decided what screws me up more:  The sesame or the Benadryl.  It’s a toss up.

it works wonders! you'll just feel like a fucking zombie for the next 2 days.
it works wonders! you’ll just feel like a fucking zombie for the next 2 days.

Moral of the story?  Don’t have kids.  You’re better off.


Have you heard?  The answer to none of your prayers is coming soon! 

embedded by Embedded Video


Images courtesy of:

Engineer:  www.picstopin.com

EpiPen:  www.epipen.com

Sesame bun:  www.123rf.com

Paramedics:  www.ems1community.com

Kale chips:  food52.com

  1. “Tahini” is just a fancy name for sesame.  FYI.
  2. Who would I think too?  You?

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