Bet You Can’t Guess What Designer Water Tastes Like…

I’ll be the first one to admit marketing works on your friendly neighborhood jman. You slap the word “new” on a package?  I’m there.  Same goes with, but to a lesser extent, the word “improved”.  Put your product in an interesting package?  Shit!  I’ll make a special trip to the store to buy your product.  Just don’t make the commercial too obnoxious, otherwise…just take my dollars.

I might have a problem.

hmmmm...what to get.  what to get.
hmmmm…what to get. what to get.

I was at my local Kwik-E-Mart the other day (we were in a pinch at our house, in some desperate need of milk). While I was deciding between the Whole Milk and 2%, I happened to glance over to the adjoining fridge to see some interestingly shaped water bottles.

For “shits and giggles”, I bought one.  This particular bottle cost a buck thirty-five.  Now, I’m normally pretty low brow, I don’t tend to buy designer water, but I just told you marketing works on me. Are you paying attention here?   Anyway, I thought to myself 1:  “The money won’t go to waste.  If nothing else, it might be something to write about.”

if they had thumbs, you know they'd be clubbing us.
if they had thumbs, you know they’d be clubbing us.

After making my purchases and leaving the store, I cracked up the bottle.  I drew a deep swig of the cold liquid and guess what it tasted like?  Wrong! It didn’t taste like Shangri-La.  Or Kate Upton’s saliva (I know.  I know.  That’s just gross!).  It tasted like water!  Fucking water!  And that’s when I got really, really, really, really mad at myself.  That’s when I realized I just spent $1.35 on 11 ounces of water, when I could’ve just spent 90 cents on the same amount of water in a plain ol’ plastic bottle.  Or better yet, I could’ve just waited 5 seconds, and got it “free” from my tap at home.

This bottle.  This bottle is everything that’s wrong with our country.  Every time we buy designer water, the terrorists win.  Every time we buy overpriced fancy plastic bottles a baby seal buys it (and I don’t mean figuratively, either).  Every time we…hey!  What’s that?

Something’s  new?  What is it?  Oh.  I don’t care.  Here.  Just take my wallet.


Believe you me, you don’t want to be missing out on this:

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Images courtesy of:

Kate upton:

Refrigerated sections:

Baby seal:

Water bottle:

Water bottle:

New sign:

  1. Who else would I think to?  You?

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