A Discourse in Online Dating. Or, Insanity squared

A Discourse in Online Dating.  Or, Insanity squared

After a 5 year relationship ended about a year ago, it was time for your friendly neighborhood jman to dive back into the muckity muck that is the middle age dating scene.  Although, for any number of reasons, I’m not exactly sure why.  I mean, I’ve got a pretty happy, fulfilling life as it is.  True…I hate my job with the passion of a thousand burning suns and all, but it’s not like having a woman in my life is going to change all that.  Wanting to be in a relationship has got to be some kind of base biological need hardwired deep in the most primitive parts of our brains.

Either that, or just the need to get laid.

Anyway…while it’s been a bunch of years since my last go round in single life, this isn’t my first viewing of a moving picture show, either.  And while some things have changed over the last 5 – 6 years, some things remain constant:  Dating in adult life is brutal.   On the surface, online dating definitely seems like the easiest route to take, but I’m not sure it’s exactly the best.   Sure, there’s plenty for both sexes to pick from…if you’re not too choosy and don’t mind repeating your same ol’ patterns (you know…the ones that got you here in the first place).  You can find someone right quick, that way.  But, if you’re looking to rise above those deeply ingrained patterns, you’re gonna have a hard time.

One of the things you come across right away on the dating sites are the number of women who in their profiles, quite openly criticize men about the stupid things we do in our profiles.  And, in all honesty, the things guys tend to do are pretty stupid.  Now, I haven’t seen any of this first hand, but…I’ve sure seen it called out enough in women’s profiles.  Guys posing in pictures without shirts on.  Or making duck faces, or what have you.

just volunteering at the local church with my bros.
just volunteering at the local church with my bros.

But, listen girls, you do some pretty dumb things, too.  It’s just that to a lesser extent, guys don’t really care that much.  Especially men just looking to get laid.  And, honestly, that’s probably most of us.  But, nonetheless, if you’re a gal looking for quality, you probably should rethink:

oh yea. what's your name, girl?
oh yea. what’s your name, girl?

Wearing big ol’ sunglasses in every one of your pictures.  Sure, everyone looks great/cool in sunglasses.  But, in every pic?  C’mon.  And what’s with all the aviator sunglasses?  I don’t want to disappoint anyone here, but the only folks who can really pull off that look are George Michael, cops, and well, aviators.  That’s probably why they’re called aviator sunglasses.

Women with dogs in their pictures.  “Dogs” are, apparently, the new “cats”.  If your profile pic is with your dog, I’m moving on.  And I love dogs!  In fact, the only being that should be in your profile pic is you.  And especially, no dudes.  Please.  Doesn’t matter if it’s your best friend, brother, dad or grandfather.  No dudes in any of your pics.

How is it everyone loves (insert your local sports team) so much?  “You better like the Eagles (I’m from Philly) or your dead to me!”   I mean…I’m sure there’s a percentage of the female population that’s into sports and your particular home team, but most of them?  I don’t know…seems like someone is putting on airs.

And while I’m at it, what’s with the beach?  Why is the beach everyone’s happy place?  I mean, the beach is ok.  But, there’s sand everywhere.  And have you seen in the ocean?  It ain’t that great.  Especially here on the east coast.  I’ll give you the boardwalk (if you have one near ya) is awesome…because fried foods.  But, other than that?  I think you’re all pullin’ my leg bout your love of the beach.

the beach is my sanctuary
the beach is my sanctuary

One of my absolute favorite things in profiles, though, are the disclaimers.  “If you’re a player, move on.”  “Don’t even read this if you’re into games.”  I don’t know how to tell you this girls, but…if I was a player (or into games) you putting that disclaimer in there ain’t gonna stop me from contacting you.  In fact, it’s probably only encourage me to do so.

i don't know what she's talking about...
i don’t know what she’s talking about…

That also goes for putting disclaimers in your profile title.  You’re just inviting the kind of dudes you want to avoid by making that your opening statement.  I ain’t sayin’ anything.  I’m just sayin.

But, that’s just me.  The hell do I know?  I haven’t been on a date since the Eisenhower administration.


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