What would a Tales from the Vacation be without a crossover to Planet of the Jakes? Not much, that’s for damn sure.
Every year I say the same thing before every vacation never again: “I’m only buying ice cream/water ice two or three nights this week. Not every night! It’s too damn expensive.” And like the sucker I am, I end up buying ice cream/water ice how often? Right! Every flippin night.
This one particular evening, we were up on the boardwalk (again). The kids begging for ice cream. And because my small brain can only handle so much begging from four kids, I broke down and bought them frozen treats.
Say what you will about my strength/testicular fortitude. But, I defy you to stand your ground when four kids under your charge beg for something, simultaneously, You couldn’t do it, either. It’s one of the most effective enhanced interrogations used by the government. How do you think they got Bin Laden?
If it’s August (and at the time of this writing, it sure as shootin’ is), that can only mean one thing…No. Not back to school. Well, I mean…yea…it does. But it also means…Tales from the Vacation!!!!
Yup. It’s that time of year when your friendly neighborhood jman packs the family roadster up with kids, food and assorted shit fun, and heads on down to America’s Greatest Family Resort, Ocean City NJ.
Over the last few years, we’ve been staying at the same place in good ol’ Ocean City. Why? Because the place is fairly reasonable and it’s not a hundred mile walk to the beach, either. But that reasonability comes with a price. The beds are horrible. Horrible. I suspect they were crafted in the early 90’s (1890’s that is).
Shall we? OK. Here goes: Over the course of say…17 years, how many times do you have to tell kids to put their shoes on the step before they finally start doing it?
One time? Six times? 2166 times?
I’ll give you a moment to come up with a number.
Disclaimer: What you’re about to read was recounted to me by Natalia. Your friendly neighborhood jman did not witness any of these events.
The kids were getting themselves ready to go on vacation with their mother for a week’s stay down the shore. Amidst all the chaos of packing for a week, in a matter of five minutes, a fascinating rule was discovered…
“Nat!” Jakob said, carrying all his worldly possessions in a bag, down the steps into our living room. Jethro trailed right behind him, lugging his life away, too. “Nat! Can you believe this kid?”
Okokok. Here’s what I want to know. Which one of you sickos is responsible for this disclaimer:
C’mon! Fess up. Stand up with pride. Who served up a binkytini to their lil darling, for just a few hours of precious sleep. Don’t be shy, now. I’m not condemning you. Oh no. I know far too well that desperate times call for desperate measures.