Planet of the Jakes/Tales from the Vacation 2014: The trouble with Water Ice.

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What would a Tales from the Vacation be without a crossover to Planet of the Jakes?  Not much, that’s for damn sure.

Tales from the Vacation 2014 2Every year I say the same thing before every vacation never again:  “I’m only buying ice cream/water ice two or three nights this week.  Not every night!  It’s too damn expensive.”  And like the sucker I am, I end up buying ice cream/water ice how often?  Right!  Every flippin night.

This one particular evening, we were up on the boardwalk (again).  The kids begging for ice cream.  And because my small brain can only handle so much begging from four kids, I broke down and bought them frozen treats.

Say what you will about my strength/testicular fortitude.  But, I defy you to stand your ground when four kids under your charge beg for something, simultaneously, You couldn’t do it, either.  It’s one of the most effective enhanced interrogations used by the government.  How do you think they got Bin Laden?

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Planet of the Jakes: the Breakfast of Champions


“Dad…”  Jakob said, walking into the laundry room.  I was doing my last minute ironing, right before rushing off to work.  Like I do every other morning.

“What’s up, Jakob?”  I asked, turning the shirt that I was ironing over to make a run on the other side.

drying cleaning is so overrated.
drying cleaning is so overrated.

Sarah didn’t eat any of the pizza we left for her last night.”  He stated matter of factly.

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Planet of the Jakes: Plumps


“Daaaaad…”  Jakob whined one recent Sunday morning.  “Do we have any orange juice without any plumps in it?”

I stopped scrambling the eggs, not quite sure I heard what he said.  “What?”  I asked, furrowing my brow.  Probably for the 10th time that morning.

Jakob stood by the wide open refrigerator door, shaking a carton of orange juice. That probably didn’t have a lid on it.  He likes to tempt fate that way.  “Does this juice have plumpers in it?”

we're just making sure the kitchen stays cool.
we’re just making sure the kitchen stays cool.
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Planet of the Jakes: Crisis of Infinite Shirts

planet of the jakes crisis shirts

I was ironing some clothes, prepping  for yet another day in paradise, when Jakob came sauntering into the laundry room (where I perform this daily sacrifice ritual.  Every morning.  What can I say?  I’m far too lazy to drop off and pick up my shirts at the dry cleaners.  Far too lazy.).

“Dad…”  Jakob slightly whined, milling around the ironing board, shirtless wearing just a pair of track pants.  “Do I have shirts to wear that I like?”

I glanced over at him, puzzled.  Was this some sort of belated April Fool’s joke?  Does he have any shirts to wear that he likes?  What kind of question is that?  How should I know?  Even if I did know, the kid changes his mind what he likes, like the weather changes on an early Spring day. 

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Planet of the Jakes: Field Trippin’

planet of the jakes field trippin

Yup.  It’s that time of year again, folks.  No.  Not spring.  I mean, yea…Spring is coming.  And thank god for that, really.  Cause this has been one long, miserable winter.  Can I get an amen?

But, no, I’m not talking Spring in this case.  I’m really talking…field trips!  And once again, your friendly neighborhood jman was picked to chaperone a bunch of lunatics fourth graders in one crazy adventure!

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