Repost: My boy’s first April Fool’s Prank

april fools prank puppy

originally published 4/2009

I’m not what you call a “morning” person. Truth be told, I’m not what you would call an “afternoon” or a “night” person, either. But, that’s a tale for another day. I give myself enough time in the morning to get ready and get the crüe up and running for the day. Besides, if I got up any earlier, I might as well not even go to bed. Maybe that’s why I’m not such a morning person.

Who the fuck does, Garfield?
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I Hate Bad Haircuts

not funny, dude.  not funny.
What is it about a bad haircut that makes you want to punch someone in the face?  I mean…really…just punch someone so hard, that they swallow their teeth?  I telling you, a bad haircut doesn’t just ruin your day.  It ruins your flippin’ life!  It’s all consuming.  Every time you walk by a mirror, it’s like looking at train wreck…you don’t want to look, but you have to.  Maybe it grew in?  Maybe in the 32 seconds since you saw your reflection in the window it grew in a few inches.  And when you look at it?  You wish to the Christ you hadn’t. But, you did.  

WHAT have you done to me?!?!?

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Thank God for: Lactaid

yea...that about says it all

I’m not what you call a morning person.  In fact, I’m not what you would call a “people” person, either.  But, that’s a tale for another day.  The irony of me not being a morning person is that I love breakfast.  It’s my favorite meal of the day.  I love breakfast foods.  Eggs, pancakes, waffles.  God!  Do I love waffles!  And breakfast meats?  It’s like a smorgasbord of deliciousness.  Bacon, Canadian bacon, sausage patties, sausage links and scrapple.  Yea, even scrapple.  Breakfast is God’s gift to mankind.

mmmmm...meaty. Err...piggy
mmmmm…meaty. Err…piggy
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My Total Soccer Mom Moment

A couple of weeks ago, Sarah graduated…er, “stepped up” or in this case “stepped out of” eighth grade.  Now I know every parent thinks their kids are brilliant, right?  Well…except for me.  I mostly think my kids are a pain in the ass.  But, I gotta admit, Sarah is pretty farking smart.  Mostly because the kid tells me all the time how smart she is.  There’s some truth in it, though.  She’s had straight A’s since like, third grade.  I don’t lie.  She has.  Well…except for last marking period.  But…I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here.

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Meet the Fam

(editor’s note 12/1…this page is being updated.  new pics will be up, well…”soonish”.) Well, I figured it was time for you to meet some of the folks in my life. You know…put some faces to the names. So, without further ado…



Sarah

My first child. Smart. Too smart for her own good. Unlike most pre-teens that might challenge your authority, Trixie challenges my intelligence. Fortunately IQ test after IQ test, I tend to score at least two points higher than her. As I remind her constantly. To which she follows up, “your score drops the older you get…”


Natalia aka Barbara or Beezer

Your typical pixie. Cute. Sweet as pie one moment. The next? Makes you wish that you, and everyone else in the room, was never born.


Jethro

The Bart to my Homer. Never saw a bathroom he didn’t like. Plans on being either a rock star or professional wrestler. Either way, I’ll be right behind him. Reminding him that he’s still a doofus.


Jakob

The enigma of our clan. Slippery as an eel and wily as a fox hopped up on goofballs. If I didn’t see him being born, I’d swear he was from another planet.


Kelly Marie

“Baby you’re the words and chapters
The sweetness in the morning after
You are the cry that turns to laughter
You’re the hope that ends disaster…”


Snowflake

Remember a few years ago that Bischon won the Westiminster Best in Show?  No?  Go ahead.  Look it up…That dog?  Snowflake, a purebred Bischon, looks more like the ugliest dog of 2001.  But, he’s pretty smart looking when he’s wearing a sweater!



The Pope of Cookietown

My brother. Could quite possibly be the strongest man on Earth. Has the strength of ten Grinches, plus two. I’ve seen him pick up three men, twice his size, over his head and throw them 100 ft away into a pool of water. His Kryptonite? Cookies. And his favorite movie is Roadhouse.


The Duchess of Dessert

My brother’s bride. Sweet girl, hasn’t aged an iota in the 15 years I’ve known her. Doesn’t eat any kind of meat product. Although, I think she secretly eats pounds of bacon when no one’s around.


Ma

Awwww…ma.  Poor ma.  The super-ego to the rest of our nuclear family’s id.  Had to put up with Pa’s, the Pope’s, and to a lesser extent, my antics all these years.  You know you’ve gone too far  when you hear her scream your name in her famously shrilly way.  But, that doesn’t stop you from trying to get one more zinger in before she comes at you with the obligatory back of the head dope slap.


Pa

The quintessential prankster. Just make sure you check behind your tires before you back out of his driveway. Bricks have a tendency to magically appear there.

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